How to open up to our feelings

Feelings – not the easiest topic for many people, especially when it comes to unpleasant ones. We tend to ignore them, hide from them, run from them or fight them. In an increasing manner, suggestions like “accept your feelings, be grateful for them” or other variations, are provided through various channels. Yet, how exactly that can be done is not often clarified. I don’t have the panacea for that either, however I would like to offer a thought experiment, that could support in understanding the concept a little better.



Let’s imagine a child sitting in a flower field, completely curious and at ease, hands folded and just waiting patiently. A butterfly appears and sits down in the palms to rest for a bit. How do you suppose the child would react? My assumption is that comments akin to “It’s not colorful enough”, “It’s too small” or “There aren’t enough dots on the wings” wouldn’t enter the little one’s mind. A pompous art critic might be able to conjure those up, but children would probably hold their breath, tense up a slight bit and do their best not to scare the animal. At most a quiet “Wooow!” might sneak out. 

If you ever heard the sentence “Accept your feelings as they are”, know that it’s not about “tolerating” or “enduring” them. Instead, it’s about looking at them, completely unbiased and non-judgmentally, as if looking at a butterfly you’ve never seen before – all while paying as little attention to the critical comments of your mind as possible.

What do the feelings really look like? What happens, if you give them room? If you’re tense because an important conversation is coming up, where exactly is the tension? What does it feel like? How much does it weigh? Is it rather light and tingly or tight and heavy? If it feels “unpleasant”, where is “unpleasant” exactly? Where are the borders of the feeling? If you can feel it in your throat, but not in your fingertips, where is the transition? Is the feeling really as dangerous as the mind tells us it is? Is it really “unbearable”, if we don’t try to push it away, if we just look at it as it exists - not as our mind says it is?

The comments will appear, don't worry, either while you try to make room for your feelings or even while reading this text. “What is the purpose?”, “How do I know, whether I’m doing this correctly?”, “Will the feeling be gone in the end?” and so on. Here, I invite you to remind yourself of the child and the butterfly. Would you go up to a little kid and ask “Of what use is it to watch that butterfly?”, “Will it turn into something more beautiful?” or “Are you looking at it the right way?” – or does this all sound a bit goofy to you? Just thank your mind for trying to do its job, for trying to solve a problem. It’s just that our feelings aren’t taxes, clogged pipes or crossword puzzles that need to be solved. Maybe, for the duration of this experiment, you could just transform your mind into another butterfly, flying about and minding its own business.

A handful of pointers

1. Our feelings are butterflies, not wasps:

Of course those have their purpose in nature as well, however they do tend to get an adverse reaction out of most people. Don’t treat your feelings, as if they could sting you. If you were to avoid wasps forever, you’d have to hide pretty effectively. Accordingly, if you were to avoid your unpleasant feelings forever, or the situations that lead to them, you would severely limit your life in general. If you wanted to hurry the wasp away, let alone kill it, you’d risk getting stung pretty badly. It is similar with unpleasant feelings, like fear for example. Trying to reduce it, or avoid it, many times leads to fear of fear itself – a self-perpetuating cycle. And quelching feelings with something like alcohol, medicine, drugs or through other means oftentimes leads to long lasting consequences. Maybe a given butterfly looks intimidating initially, but that happens only at first glance – it cannot sting you, neither does it want to.

2. We don't look at butterflies to make them leave

“I just have to accept good enough, then the fear won’t have to come again” is a classic though trap, that many people walk into. Sometimes the butterfly leaves, sometimes it comes back. Maybe, over time, you can figure out what raises the possibility of a given butterfly to appear. However, don’t forget: None of them are dangerous and all of them are important for the thriving of life in our own inner habitat.

3. Butterflies are fragile

Sometimes we feel “good” and we rarely want that butterfly to leave. From the perspective of there being “good” and “bad” feelings, this desire is completely understandable, just not particularly healthy long term. Just think of people, who desire “positive” feelings so much, that they’re ready to invest substantial amounts of time and resources into that pursuit. They dive into fictional online worlds (like Instagram, video games, pornography), consume substances (like cigarettes, alcohol and drugs) or entertain other forms of quick satisfaction (like gambling). If you try to catch and hold the butterfly, you will only crush it.

4. We can carry butterflies with us

“If I set with the feelings 'good' enough, they should disappear in the end right?” – a common question in connection to acceptance. The answer is: No, there is no success to be measured when accepting feelings, especially not by them being gone. Once you experience your feeling (regardless of their form) as neither enemies nor problems to be solved, the butterfly can sit on your shoulder at any given time. You can then do with your body and attention the things that actually matter to you. Millions of people bravely carry their social anxiety to social events every year. Countless parents learn to accept their frustration towards their own children, while providing for them lovingly at the same time. And somewhere right now, a person, betrayed in love years ago, dares to go out on a date again – holding their insecurity, and sadness all the while.

Don’t demand too much of yourself at once. You don’t sit with your butterfly for 20 minutes once and see the light. That would just be another unrealistic expectation. Take the time you need to sit with your feelings and who knows; maybe on the other side of the initially intimidating looking wings of the butterfly, you’ll find pointers towards what is really important to you.